Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
