I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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