They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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