man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
