I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
