I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Success! We fucked roommates!
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
