Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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