is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
