Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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