No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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