i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
should my penis look like a turkey
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Randomize
