my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
