wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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