so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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