If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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