can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
