If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
