I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
