one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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