She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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