Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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