My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
We had to coat check the pizza.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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