Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
