a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
