Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
