He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Everyone says I win the strip club
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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