it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
