Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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