the condom got lost in my hair
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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