I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
