genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
