I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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