I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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