i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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