you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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