I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
