two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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