Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Randomize
