Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
