mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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