Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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