Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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