You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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