Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize