Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
