she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
