Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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