wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
