I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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