Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
