We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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