I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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