right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
