shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
