I cannot find my penis.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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