I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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