There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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