So drunk its hurt
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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