If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
