Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize