Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
