I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
