shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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