Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
