Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You need Xanax blowdarts
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
