I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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