Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
