his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
