Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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